Needing a place to vent where I don't have to worry about people trying to problem-solve, so here I am.
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In terms of my mental health, I am exhausted these days. I work at a middle school, and I have spent the last three months filling out job applications in an attempt to not have to return for the school year. But, alas, the job I mentioned in previous posts still hasn't gotten back to me on whether they want to hire me and the first day back for teachers was today. I have hit a point where, because I have already started and returned for teacher in-service days, it feels like accepting that other job just doesn't feel worth it. Especially for the decrease in pay and loss of benefits. It's just smarter to stick with the school until I get hired somewhere else.
That feels so much easier said than done, though. Not only was I working with one of the most complex cases last year, it now looks like I will be working with the two most complex cases in the building this year. And yes, I know I can advocate that it's not something I want to do or am not comfortable with. Trust me, everyone I have tried venting to tells me this. And I always try to explain how that just doesn't feel like it would work out for me, but I also don't divulge everything. And I feel like what it really boils down to for me is that it would break my masking for my neurodivergency. I am undiagnosed still, though I do want to pursue a diagnosis in the future. And I am burnt out from this job because I am burnt out from the loud noises, socialization demands, and those fucking flourescent lights. I have to put on a mask in order to teach these kids what is the acceptable forms of socialization within the neurotypical world, and my gods does it exhaust me.
And I feel like I wouldn't have as big of an issue with needing to unmask, or requesting more accomodations for myself, if I started a job with voicing those needs. But I started this job with a specific mask and a specific presentation, and that is how I have chosen to be. Calm, firm, academic, while also humorous. I have set a specific way I want people to preceive me, and that would skew that. It would interrupt the masking I have in place. And if that is interrupted, I don't know how to present. My masking would crumble, and I feel like I wouldn't know how to function properly in the way that I would need to. Is that an unrealistic thought? Probably. But it's how I stay masking and protective of myself in the only way that I have ever known how.
2026 has not been kind to me, and I feel as though I have been stuck in this perpetual cycle of shit. Nothing has been working out well for me. If it's not one thing, it's another that is going wrong. I spent the last three months applying to jobs, trying to find something, only to find nothing, while also not qualifying for unemployment because technically the school offers a summer school program. I just finished my Master's degree, but the majority of what I qualify for is at least 30 minutes away from me, and I don't have transportation after flipping my vehicle earlier this year. It's been fucked, and it feels like it just keeps staying fucked. Every attempt I make hasn't done anything to improve my situation in noticable ways.
I keep trying to remind myself that progress isn't linear, and I have had some good moments this year, too. I went on an incredible lighthouse cruise this past weekend with a group of friends (which I am probably going to write about entirely in a seperate, less depressing post) and got to see harbor porpoises, humpback whales, and seals along the journey. I got to go to the local county fair with some friends and enjoy the vendors, rides, and demolition derby. I have had plenty of time for the beach and working in my garden. I have been able to finish my Master's thesis and program. And, in general, I tend to be a pretty optimistic person. So it gets exhausting when all I want to do is have the opportunity to bitch and moan about the negatives, and everyone just constantly tries to problem-solve or point out the positives. I don't need help with that, because I see them too. I just believe that it's not always a bad thing to say, "Man, this shit sucks, and I need to voice how bullshit it is."
Anyway, I am probably going to wrap this up and spend more time working on building up more pages of my website in the background. Dinosaurs always bring me joy, and working on getting those pages up is something I have been working hard on.
Fun, late-night survey
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Last beverage: Water
Last phone call: Call to the pharmacy to follow up on a job application
Last song you listened to: Therapy by Khalid
Zodiac sign: Capricorn
Height: like, 5'6"
What are your three favorite colors: blue, pink, and probs black (even though I know that's technically not a color but rather the absence of color
Piercings: ears, "snakebites" (one on each side of my lower lip), septum, and nipples. Plans for more in the future
Tattoos: Several. Three on my neck, one by each collarbone, one on my ankle, and one on my underbust/stomach. Also plans for many more in the future
First school: I bounced around in my first few years so I dont remember which one was first
Believe in luck? Sure.
Believe in love at first sight: I believe it's possible, but not likely.
Believe in Heaven: Nope
Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Oh, many many times
Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight? Many times
Did you ever fail a driver’s test? failed it twice now
What could you eat any day of the week and never get tired of? Probably mac and cheese.
Last thing you spent money on? Pffffff I work at a school and it's summer vacation, I have had 69 cents in my bank account for three months now.
Do you like the snow? I adore it.
Do you like the outside? Absolutely
What makes you happy? Many things ♥
Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? I come from a small town, of course I have.
Ever been outside your home country? Unfortunately, no.
Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? Sure have! It was awesome
Are you afraid of the dark? Not really.
Do you believe in true love? Sure. But I also believe love is a complicated thing that involves both spiritual events and chemical release in the brain, so you can absolutely have more than one deep love in life.
Do you wear make-up? Sometimes. I always add pink eyeshadow to my eyebrows to match my hair though.
How many windows are open on your computer? Mmmmmmm, 5 windows with a total of 22 tabs. Which is actually a lot for me; I tend to try and keep my tabs minimal. But coding makes me have a million tabs open at once lol
Who last texted you? My fiance
Who did you last text? My fiance
What are you craving right now? Honestly, my bed lol
Would you live with someone without marrying them? I have done that a few times now. My fiance and I have been living together for about 3 years now.
What’s irritating you right now? This fucking stuffy nose
Do you want any pets? I currently have a dog. Would love more pets in the future, but not feasible at this time.
Do you want to change your name: Nah, not really.
Lost glasses/contacts: Several times
Been arrested: Nope
Milk chocolate or white chocolate? Milllllkkkk
Twirl or cut your spaghetti? Twirl. Cut spaghetti makes me irrationally angry.
Do you type fast? Definitely. My average is around 115wpm, but I can get up to 140wpm when really locked in.
Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes, depends on how overstimulated I am. I do always have music playing though.
Have you dated someone twice: Does them breaking up with me and getting back together a week or two later count? If so, yes
Moved out of town: Sure have. Moved out of state and came back once, too.
Where is your favorite place on earth? Maine ♥ I especially adore Popham Beach
What’s your favorite thing about yourself? My resilience
Something you hate to do? Anything that involves forcing myself into a situation I know is going to be overstimulating
What would be the best gift ever? Books♥
Do you wish on shooting stars? Absolutely. Life is too short to not enjoy the little things.
Updating on my thesis progress, garden update, and thoughts about needing some change.
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Thesis Progress
As I mentioned elsewhere on my website, I am currently in the process of writing my Master's thesis. I am actually so close to being finished! I finished writing the drafts of my concluding sections and submitted them to the thesis review committee last week. I got feedback Saturday night from them, and was pleasantly surprised to see the majority of the feedback from all three committee members was complimenting me on how well-written things were! The majority of the things they pointed out were related to grammar and phrasing of things, which were super easy to address.
I had a call with my professor today to go over everything that needs to be submitted next and what updates to make with my thesis, so I am going to finish doing some final edits and proofs before I submit it for the final review today or tomorrow.
This means my thesis will be done and published in the next two weeks! This is incredibly huge for me and I am so excited!
Garden Update
As far as the garden goes, there isn't too much to update on since my major garden blog post. I did, however, go out yesterday and get a basket full of zucchini, summer squash, and mint when I was watering everything yesterday.
Thoughts About Needing Change and Job Interview
This is probably the part of this post that is going to be the most in-depth. Currently, I work as an Ed Tech at a middle school. I was working in the crisis field for 8 years, and I realized that I desperately needed to take a step back, slow down with something else while I go some of my other elements of my life together.
Around this time, I had also recently learned that I had a heart murmur and high blood pressure, so I needed to go through a process with my doctor to determine if there was anything wrong with my heart causing the murmur. I needed change, so I ended up getting the job at the middle school. At the time, any job sounded like a less stressful job than what I was working. And, in theory, it was. However, the job that I ended up getting at the middle school wasn't the breather I needed.
Because of my experience working with individuals in distress, and the fact that I was a level 3 Ed Tech, I ended up getting put on one of the more challenging cases the school had. So, a job that was supposed to be a place for me to reduce my levels of stress ended up being a job that had the same, if not more, levels of stress.
In January, I ended up getting into a car accident on the way to work; I live in a very snowy state and school decided not to cancel that day. I ended up hitting a patch of slush while trying to merge onto the highway, fishtailed, lost control of the vehicle, and flipped my Jeep. Thankfully, there was so much snow, that it muffled so much of the impact. I didn't end up with a single bruise on me and minimal damage to the car. That being said, the damage that was done made it so it couldn't be driven (side mirror gone, seatbelt was gone because I was cut out of it, and something with the transmission to make it slip). We haven't had the income to be able to make repairs yet.
So, needless to say, this put me in a bit of a sour mood towards the job. I just lost my transportation because the school should have closed on a stormy day and hadn't. Thankfully, my best friend also works at this school so carpooling was an option.
A month and a half goes by, and suddenly, more shit happens. The student I spent 50% of my workday with ended up having a behavioral episode that resulted in me getting a concussion. This job was supposed to be my relief from high levels of stress and here I was, getting hit to the point of getting a concussion. Thankfully, the school was incredible about getting me to a doctor the same day, as well as following all of the doctors orders in terms of restrictions I had when I first started to go back to work. My schedule was shifted, which brought some amount of reduction in my day-to-day stress, but the full damage was already done. I was at the point of thinking, "Is the universe just trying to tell me this job is NOT the place for me right now?" because it felt like everything was pointing toward me needing to work somewhere else. I talked with my best friend, and she was supportive in my decision that I was likely not going back next school year.
So, cut to the past few months. I have been on summer vacation (which, because I am an Ed Tech, I don't get paid for). I couldn't collect unemployment because technically the school offered me a summer school position through an email sent to all employees. Which I couldn't work even if I wanted to because, again, I don't have transportation of my own from the accident. I have been scrambling to find something, anything, to help cover bills at least for the summer. All of the jobs that I qualified for with my Bachelor's degree required me to have reliable transportation to go from client to client (which I didnt want to drive during my workday anyway). But I was still just a month or so away from finishing my thesis, so I technically didn't qualify for a lot of other positions that would require my Master's degree. I was in this job limbo.
So, when the listing for the local pharmacy came up saying they were looking for pharmacy technicians, and were willing to provide paid training to the right candidates, I didn't hesitate to apply. It's walking distance from my apartment, the community adores the local small business and often treats the employees really well, and I knew that the most I would have to deal with was people upset about prescriptions not being filled yet. And honestly? That sounds like the EXACT break that I need right now. I was excited when they wanted to set up an interview with me, which I have tomorrow!
I was already in a place of needing a break. Then I ended up with a job that just drained me even further. Taking care of myself has gotten thrown to the side so much just so that I could work, and it's been exhausting. I need change. I need something that let's me mentally slow down. Something that will allow me to be more present each day, focus on getting things better organized and stable. I need something that allows me to repair the cracks in the foundation to ensure the rest of the house remains stable. I am about to get my Master's degree, and I want to take some time to get back into a good place myself before I start to focus on getting my provisional licensing and set up with a supervisor and start providing therapy services. I want to refill my cup before filling the cups of others. And, honestly, things are feeling good about this place I have an interview with tomorrow. If I get this job, I think it might just be the perfect job for me to get things situated and ready for building again.
⋆˚𖤓˖°Enjoy this lovely little garden update, whether you read it in full, skim it, or simply look at the pictures.⋆˚𖤓˖°
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Each morning, I go outside and tend to my garden. I started growing a bunch of my own food; I dream of one day having a beautiful homestead where I can mostly rely on food I have grown and harvested. For now, however, I have a smaller garden in the beds around my apartment, as well as two vertical planters that I have been growing in.
Honestly, this year has been going wonderfully! A few smaller setbacks here and there of some plants not making it, and some not growing to their full potential. Overall, though, I think it's going pretty well for my first year growing this much all at once!
Currently, I am growing zucchini, summer squash, roma tomatoes, queen of the night tomatoes, anaheim chili peppers, bell peppers, sage, rosemary, basil, two varieties of cucumers (one is great for slicing, the other is great for pickling), romaine lettuce, iceberg lettuce, potatoes and carrots. Unfortunately, I got a concussion earlier this year at work, so I ended up planting some later than they typically enjoy (lettuces, potatoes, and carrots) so I am still uncertain how they will grow. I also have a range of flowers, including marigolds and calendula, to help with the local pollinators.
Previous tenants years back at this building also grew mint and lemon balm. Now, this garden hasn't been tended to for years before I moved in last year. I spent last year seeing what grew, determine what I wanted to pull up, and if there was anything I wanted to keep. And, for those that don't know, both mint and lemon balm spread like a weed. I was harvesting more mint and lemon balm than I honestly knew what to do with last year, so most of it was dried and put into jars.
Zucchini has been growing beautifully; honestly faster than I know what to do with it half the time! I have been chopping and shredding some to put in the freezer for later in the year, but my fiancé and I have also been adding it to our meals quite a bit recently. Summer squash has been tricky; it's been growing slower but getting quick to get seedy. Still working on figuring out when the perfect time to harvest them has been for these plants.
Much like last year, the mint and lemon balm are growing like mad. I have been harvesting, bundling, and drying a large majority of it. I have been making tea blends that have been truly delightful. I hope to make a lovely tea mix that I can gift during the holiday season. I have also been adding fresh mint and lemon balm to iced water; man, is that refreshing on a hot day!
Both tomato varieties and my peppers are all still quite green and not ready to be harvested. They are, however, growing absolutely beautifully. I am excitedly awaiting for when they will begin to blush and turn red! The Anaheim Chili peppers are mild while green, but typically you want to wait for them to turn red for a nice spicy pepper! I'm not the biggest spicy person, but my fiancé loves spice, and I think they will make a lovely addition to some meals.
100 Questions Survey
Name?: Bones is fine.
Nicknames?: Also go by Z.
Age?: 30
Single/Taken?: Engaged
Are you happy with that?: Very much so ♥
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How many kids do you want to have?: One to start, then decide/figure it out from there.What would you name them?: We have some names kicking around as options, but nothing certain.
Do you have a best friend?: A few
Are they a guy/chick?: Weird question, but some of each with a sprinkling of non-binary folks
Do they like you more than a friend?: Excluding my fiancé, not that I am aware of.
Do you drink?: Barely.
Do you like to party?: Not really.
Do you smoke?: Once in a blue moon.
What do you smoke?: CBD Cannabis
Have you ever been in LOVE?: Definitely.
Do you believe in love?: Definitely.
Have you ever had your heart broken?: Absolutely.
Who was your last boyfriend/girlfriend?: My ex-fiancé; not going to put his name out there.
Are you happy that you are no longer together?: Another weird question? Yes.
Do you hate him/her for that?: Not at all, we still talk on occassion.
What is your favorite band/singer?: Favorites are hard. System of a Down is one that I find is always in my top faves though ♥
What is your favorite song?: Favorites are hard. IDK
What is your favorite movie?: Favorites are hard. I tend to go back and rewatch the same 30 or so movies on repeat.
What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?: Chocolate Peanut Butter Ripple ♥
What is your favorite color?: Despite all appearances and what many believe, it's blue.
Who is your best friend?: [Insert my list of names here]
How many siblings do you have?: 2
Are you happy with that?: Quite
What are you listening to right now?: 2004 by Anthony Amorim
What was your last drink?: Waterrr
Who was your last kiss?: Dave, my fiancé
Who was your last hug from?: Dave
What is your favorite food?: mac and cheese ♥
Do you have more guy/girl friends?: Gender is irrelevant to me; I have a mix of guy/girl/non-binary friends.
What was the last thing you watched on T.V.?: Probably the show Bones
Do you know who E.T. is?: I'm too old to NOT know who E.T. is...
Do you believe in aliens?: I believe that not contemplating the possiblility of intelligent lifeforms outside of humans on earth existing in the fast depths of our universe would be foolish.
Do you believe that all cheaters will always be cheaters?: People can change. It's rare, and often an extremely difficult process, but it's possible.
Do you believe in dying because of lost love?: Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, also known as "broken heart syndrome," is a very real thing. It is rare, but it is possible to die from Takotsubo cardiomyopathy; the muscles in the heart are weakened by the sudden rush of hormones and mimics symptoms of a heart attack without a blockage. It's far more common in the elderly population.
Have you ever had someone close to you die?: More than one actually
What was his/her name? Humans: Neil, Trevor, Ashlee; Pets: Ziggy, Hayner, Zodiac, and Dante
How did you know one another?: Neil=Dad, Trevor=ex-fiancé's brother-in-law, Ashlee=friend; Pets are self-explanatory
What kind of cell phone do you have?: Samsung Galaxy Flip5
Who was your last text from?: My town's urgent alert system
What did your last text say?: It was a text yesterday (Tues) about a street no longer being blocked off and now open to normal traffic after a downed power pole from the wind storm we had on Monday
ONE OR THE OTHER (NOT BOTH)
pepsi/coke?: Neither
white/cream chocolate?: Cream Chocolate
love/lost?: love
money/love?: love
friends/money?: friends
family/friends?: they are one in the same
pens/pencils?: pencils
camera/computer?: Ooo this one is tough...maybe camera?
ONE WORD TO DESCRIBE
needles: fun
spaghetti: meh
rap: mid
rock: sure
metal: absolutely
love: necessary
relationships: necessary
school: valuable
work: complicated
cell phones: annoying
boyfriend/girlfriend/alone: incredible
this survey: odd
friends: supportive